I didn't want to fight. But found myself in a fight none the less. Seems there are always underlying issues. Nothing new. Just some of them never seem to resolve...and new oddities begin to surface such as my relatively new inability to eat yogurt because it contains live organisms...seems I feel horrified for the stupid little bacteria...I mean, would YOU like to be eaten alive? And, for exactly the same reason, my strange new disgust at semen. How...horrible, really. I didn't tell Jon about my new phobias to have the issue used against me in an argument, and yet that happened...he said it was awfully "convenient" an excuse. How that hurt, especially because there was no truth to it. And, yes we are still having sex, its not that I'm barring the door at night or anything, I just no longer do certain things I used to do. Also, I have little interest in sex lately. Most of the time, no matter what, I cannot orgasm, which makes it an exercise in frustration. No idea why or what exactly has changed. Used to be quite simple. I actually believe that my body has begun to hate me and I have little patience with myself.
I am not a germophobe. I will eat and drink after people I know and love. I rarely wash my hands unless for a good reason...like I went poo...and I shun antibacterial soap...it just makes the germs stronger. I have only taken antibiotics for strep throat, tonsillitis and sinus infections...which I let go too long because I didn't realize it wasn't just a cold/flu. Plus, I abhor doctors. Haven't been to so much as a gynecologist/doctor/dentist for five years now. Not that I could ever afford to go. No insurance, isn't America grand when her people can't even afford medical care?
The underlying issues are easier to identify the more years we are together. My mental state, which gets terrifically iffy in the winter because I hate winter and I hate that there is little to no sunlight...and the fact that Jon feels he should somehow craft a magic potion and be able to "cure" me of...anything that's making me sad. I have assured him, that while sweet, it is too grandiose a goal for him to set for himself. Of course, he never wants to hear that. Yes, he does make me happy...but no, he's not going to just happen across some magic bullet for all that has ailed me since I was born.
He also hates that I have virtually no "look forward" in me, rarely make any plans, and never "hope" for the best. Never have, never will. Lots of those things were driven out of my system in childhood. "Hope" accounts for nothing...only "doing" gets results. And, no I wasn't taught. I learned that on my own. He thinks it is marvelously depressing. Maybe it is. Plan for the worst. Yep, that's me, and, even then, when the "worst" happens, it can always get worse. If I feel like doing something, I will, I'm not going to set it into stone and say things like "On Thursday, at 11 am, I am going to have my hair cut."
Also, I feel quite cooped up and hampered by city life. Maybe I want to wander around my own backyard unnoticed by the general populace and take long pointless walks to nowhere...breathe actual clean air, see maybe only one car in an hour, hear trees moving in the wind, smell grass or snow, or all the things that make me happy...is it any wonder I feel cooped up? I keep feeling like I am trapped. Jon says well, we could just move. I think he has forgotten how enormously expensive that process was the last time we moved. And, this time, we have no savings account. Yeah, sure we are going to sell a house on which the only thing we have managed to repair/fix/replace in three years is the front porch. The plumbing is still a shambles and has gotten even shakier...and such is life. So, I feel he is overly optimistic.
Jon actually got offended that I stopped the playback of the tv to listen to something he was talking about because I found I couldn't concentrate on both things. This has gotten worse in me. If two people are talking, even if one is on tv, I can no longer concentrate on both, it leaves me irritated and with a feeling like my head is going to explode. I used to be quite good at listening to both things. I have no idea why stopping Netflix from playing for a moment was so offensive since I figured the person sitting next to me was more important than some talking head on a documentary.
I know Jon loves me. He puts up with loads of my eccentricities without a whimper, but its the old ones he's never been able to help me conquer and the new, strange ones which neither of us understand that he's having trouble dealing with. And, I suppose, so I am. I love him too, which is why I am so upset that we had a fight.
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