Maybe I shouldn't have chosen "Snow White: A Tale of Terror"

So, as usual, I have a day off and I become obsessive about something.  It's ridiculous.  Why can't I just have a day off where my mind doesn't go into hyper drive?

Today's obsession:  How to Become More "Girlie." Yep.  I have no clue and never have.  In fact, I am prone to abhor most anything women who are more feminine than me enjoy.  And yet, I will try fail, and try again...and feel like an idiot.

And why should I care, anyway?

That answer is easy. I think Jon, in lots of ways, feels emasculated by me.  For the longest periods I have been to sole breadwinner and I also am quite physically strong and quite independent. I think there is something leftover in the psyche of men and they want the women in their lives to need them.  Not to say that I don't need Jon, I do.  I just think its not as obvious as he would like it. I've never been the picture of a damsel in distress.

He has, over a period of several years wanted me to wear, act, think, become more feminine....and been supportive in any effort I have made to that end.  The problem is, no matter what clothes I wear, any makeup I put on, how my hair is cut, I always revert to old habits.  I feel silly in makeup and I feel like a blazing idiot while wearing a dress or skirt unless I am drinking.  And I hate looking at my reflection in mirrors, always have, or looking at photos of myself.

My sister in law wanted her wedding party to look nice for her wedding. I found I quite liked the acrylic nails until they grew out, then I obsessed with peeling them off because I couldn't stand the thought of soaking my fingernails in acetone to dissolve the damn things and then, of course, would have never been able to afford the upkeep on them. So, for a year after their wedding my nails were brittle and constantly breaking because the acrylic nails wrecked my natural ones. And, yet I liked the nails. They looked nicer than the ones I am constantly breaking at work.

Just seems wrong that women have to "poison" themselves to become more attractive.  I have dyed my hair for several years. Ten, maybe?  Don't really know.   I like having reddish hair.  Too bad I can never figure out how to style my own hair. Even when I do have it professionally cut I can never make it look as nice as the hairdresser can...and I am a perfect horror about doing more than brushing and washing it...and mostly I don't even brush it.

Clothes are a joke.  I, for some reason, cannot seem ever to lose weight.  All the clothes I actually like don't come in such large sizes.  Doesn't matter that my body seems to reject food, or that once I eat, I feel ill and my head gets fuzzy and I can't think.  I had a scare once that I was pregnant, because every time I tried to eat or do....anything...I'd feel nauseous.  I've never actually recovered from that.  I still don't like to eat much before 4 pm...and then will usually eat at 10pm for my one meal of the day then go to bed.  And, yet, I swear I am still gaining weight.  I'd eat if I felt like it. I really would.  I'd love to wake up and be hungry and not regret the food I just ate.

And, yes, I am depressed today.  I often am. I don't know the answer to that either.  I have a houseful of dogs, cats, a rabbit,and a husband who all love me, and great friends who worry about me, and I appreciate them more than they even know but I can never really shake depression for long. I have never been able to do that.  I can hide from it for a time, and then, it haunts me.

So maybe becoming more feminine would give me a chance at playing someone else...anyone else.  Maybe it would be good for me, if only I had the tenacity to keep it up...