I have been having dreams lately. Good ones, mostly.
Things like:
remembering how happy I was the first time I was big enough to jump the ditch at my parent's house without falling in.
ice "skating" on that ditch when it was frozen over. We never had ice skates, we had boots and shoes, but we did have an imagination. In fact, I never have worn ice skates in my life.
Waking up at Grandma's trailer. Which is bittersweet. This November she will have been dead for seven years. Seven! I miss that woman. She got to meet Jon and then she died. Doesn't seem fair. Not at all.
And the older I get the more I think, there is nothing like home folks.
I'm lucky and I have home folks far away.
My friends Ruth and Joe are also home folks. I'd feel lonely without them.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Yesterday was a Strange Day
It has been quite an eventful few days.
Firstly, Jon woke up having the most terrible asthma attack of his life, he says. It was scary. He has since seen a doctor and is on very strong steroids plus inhalers...and still his lungs are super inflamed and he's having a hard time at work. It's a machine shop so there are a lot of yucky fumes to inhale...so he went home quite early today. I hope he gets better. On a positive note, he did clean the house while I was at work.
Secondly, here in the Metro Detroit area we have had some interesting flooding. I personally had no issues with my commute but apparently I am one of the lucky few. The golf course down the road from me is pretty much entirely submerged--or was still submerged at 4 30 which is when I drove past it on my way home. The street behind us (we live on a hill, on some high ground) was closed due to flooding...I saw the sign on my way home. Sucks to be those people, I think.
Here are some photos:
Yeah. Those are our freeways. Not waterways, people.
And, lastly, there was this snippet of news that I found out about while listening to Dave and Chuck the Freak on my way to work this morning (our local morning show of choice in the Detroit area): The Coshocton Tribune
Basically for YEARS and YEARS there has been a war between that church and that strip club. It's in a tiny no-where place called Newcastle. The church is a ten minute drive from the strip club...which makes this even more laughable. I know I find this all the more ridiculous because I lived in that area of Ohio. So I think this is hilarious. Live and let live? Nah. The church says you can't shake your ass to feed your babies...even though...there is NOTHING in that town besides a really run down eatery of sorts. How the hell else are they going to feed their babies? Magic? Perhaps the church will provide food and clothes and paid bills? Nah. Let 'em starve. And this is such a backwards way of thinking that just mentioning the word "abortion" will pretty much get you lynched. Sure, have all the kids you want, just don't come running to us when you can't feed them? What the hell? Oh, and no ass shaking to provide for all those kids you squirted out.
I laughed about that article for a good ten minutes. Oh, no, kids will be scandalized by NUDITY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahaha....kids love being naked. Who taught them being naked was bad? The CHURCH, that's who!
Yeah, yeah, Christians, go ahead put my head on a pike right now. I'm not anti church, I'm anti-idiot.
Firstly, Jon woke up having the most terrible asthma attack of his life, he says. It was scary. He has since seen a doctor and is on very strong steroids plus inhalers...and still his lungs are super inflamed and he's having a hard time at work. It's a machine shop so there are a lot of yucky fumes to inhale...so he went home quite early today. I hope he gets better. On a positive note, he did clean the house while I was at work.
Secondly, here in the Metro Detroit area we have had some interesting flooding. I personally had no issues with my commute but apparently I am one of the lucky few. The golf course down the road from me is pretty much entirely submerged--or was still submerged at 4 30 which is when I drove past it on my way home. The street behind us (we live on a hill, on some high ground) was closed due to flooding...I saw the sign on my way home. Sucks to be those people, I think.
Here are some photos:
And, lastly, there was this snippet of news that I found out about while listening to Dave and Chuck the Freak on my way to work this morning (our local morning show of choice in the Detroit area): The Coshocton Tribune
Basically for YEARS and YEARS there has been a war between that church and that strip club. It's in a tiny no-where place called Newcastle. The church is a ten minute drive from the strip club...which makes this even more laughable. I know I find this all the more ridiculous because I lived in that area of Ohio. So I think this is hilarious. Live and let live? Nah. The church says you can't shake your ass to feed your babies...even though...there is NOTHING in that town besides a really run down eatery of sorts. How the hell else are they going to feed their babies? Magic? Perhaps the church will provide food and clothes and paid bills? Nah. Let 'em starve. And this is such a backwards way of thinking that just mentioning the word "abortion" will pretty much get you lynched. Sure, have all the kids you want, just don't come running to us when you can't feed them? What the hell? Oh, and no ass shaking to provide for all those kids you squirted out.
I laughed about that article for a good ten minutes. Oh, no, kids will be scandalized by NUDITY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahaha....kids love being naked. Who taught them being naked was bad? The CHURCH, that's who!
Yeah, yeah, Christians, go ahead put my head on a pike right now. I'm not anti church, I'm anti-idiot.
Friday, August 1, 2014
In which I try to work things out by typing...a lot
Anyone else get skeezed out about making appointments?
I hate making appointments. I do not enjoy them.
Last time I was to a doctor: three years ago for a sinus infection. Last time before that: 6 years for the same thing. I believe that unless I need to go see a doctor, the evil white suited man or woman can just fuck the hell off. And I rarely need to see a doctor. And they always ask these idiotic questions (whether or not it has anything to do with what is wrong...and I don't know the last time a sinus infection was affected by the date of my last menstruation). How the hell should I know the date of my last menstruation. Do YOU? No. It's not like I get all crap happy about it and mark the day down on the calendar. Because I don't. I'd rather NOT menstruate ever again, thanks. It's worthless. I don't want to make babies and I have no need to feel like shit one week out of every month. Plus, its super irregular and who knows when and for how long it will strike. When were you to a doctor last? (And they want you to list the dates.) I always write "I don't know." Which is the answer I write on the blank next to the former question as well. Sometimes, I write things like "the last time I was in need of a doctor, 6 years ago, give or take a few years." Do you have insurance? "Of course not" is usually the answer I list.
My husband went to the dentist today to potentially have a tooth pulled. It turned out not to be an infected wisdom tooth which is good news. But, then he had the GALL to include me in an appointment to have my teeth cleaned. No, thanks, I told him, I'm cancelling. He got really mad about it. Something about it being luxurious. LUXURY is not having a dremel tool vibrating on the nerve endings in your mouth. It just isn't. I said, well, I never just make appointments concerning you without your consent. I know the dentist is going to say, oh that enamel is weak, oh there's a cavity, you need fillings....and I'll say, yeah, I know. I'm planning on having them yanked once they bother me because its cheaper in the long run. I've had so many fillings in my life that the last dentist I went to told me the next step is having crowns and since I know exactly what one crown costs...um, no...I'll be needing a new car and not supporting a dentist so he can buy one. My husband argues something or other about the pain of having teeth out (he's never had one out, I, on the other side, have had 8 baby teeth and 4 adult teeth removed all at once so my adult teeth would even fit in my tiny mouth and have had my wisdom teeth removed) but as far as I know, the pain of the dremel tool bothers me wayyyy more than the pain of having teeth removed. I don't know why. My pain killers never did anything except make me vomit so I never took them after that. I equate having teeth pulled pain with the pain of menstruation. Yep. Mine is that bad.
I even hate making appointments to get my hair done. I used to have this lady who did my hair for 27 years or so...yep, the whole of my growing up. She is like family. But, I moved away, so I don't have her anymore and have found I really don't like strangers near me or touching me or fussing over me. So I have been cutting my own hair, bleaching my own hair and what not because 1. its cheaper and 2. no appointments and 3. no strangers.
My husband also gets really mad that I refuse to see a gynecologist. I'm not pregnant. If I'm going to die of cancer, I'd rather not know beforehand. And the last gyno I went to I told off and just quit taking the birth control pills because I told him that yearly exam was just a money making scheme because I wasn't sexually active at the time and I was just there to see if it would make my periods liveable but I guessed I'd survived without them and could continue to survive without them if it meant I had to drag my ass into the gyno every year. I also told the same gyno that I wanted a hysterectomy (I had health insurance once upon a time) and he refused based on some antiquated notion that a 22 year old has no idea what she wants for her own body. Umm...yeah...MAKE IT STOP!!!! I don't want babies...DO YOU HEAR ME? No, of course, not. By all means, you must want to procreate, you' re female. NO. But someday? NO. I. DON'T. WANT. KIDS. EVER.
I found out that giving blood made my periods more liveable...but only because I was usually so close to anemic that I just wouldn't bleed very much at all. Which was a great side effect, as far as I was concerned and kept trying to give blood for a long time. Sometimes I was refused because of the anemia, sometimes not. Why was I anemic? Who knows. That was ten or so years ago so it must not have been anything serious. But I do know that iron supplements made me vomit so I gave up trying to fix it.
My husband says he just wants me to be happy. Am I?
I don't know. I haven't really drawn or painted much since we moved up here into all the people. It's probably been a year since I've even doodled, maybe more. I have no sex drive and that bothers me only because it bothers him. I don't care to be around people and I don't like to do yard work when other people are outside. I don't like to walk the dog because I'm surrounded by strangers.
Do I feel particularly unhappy? No.
I miss home and cornfields and acres of trees. This is not home. We have been here since 2009 and this is not home. If I could transport this house anywhere in the middle of somewhere green where the people are outnumbered by farm animals, I would. That would be more like home. I don't have the power to do that and I don't have the money to move. So I guess maybe I feel resigned.
Perhaps I am mentally ill and have social phobia. Perhaps I am simply anti social. Perhaps I am depressed. Perhaps many things. I sure don't know.
I hate making appointments. I do not enjoy them.
Last time I was to a doctor: three years ago for a sinus infection. Last time before that: 6 years for the same thing. I believe that unless I need to go see a doctor, the evil white suited man or woman can just fuck the hell off. And I rarely need to see a doctor. And they always ask these idiotic questions (whether or not it has anything to do with what is wrong...and I don't know the last time a sinus infection was affected by the date of my last menstruation). How the hell should I know the date of my last menstruation. Do YOU? No. It's not like I get all crap happy about it and mark the day down on the calendar. Because I don't. I'd rather NOT menstruate ever again, thanks. It's worthless. I don't want to make babies and I have no need to feel like shit one week out of every month. Plus, its super irregular and who knows when and for how long it will strike. When were you to a doctor last? (And they want you to list the dates.) I always write "I don't know." Which is the answer I write on the blank next to the former question as well. Sometimes, I write things like "the last time I was in need of a doctor, 6 years ago, give or take a few years." Do you have insurance? "Of course not" is usually the answer I list.
My husband went to the dentist today to potentially have a tooth pulled. It turned out not to be an infected wisdom tooth which is good news. But, then he had the GALL to include me in an appointment to have my teeth cleaned. No, thanks, I told him, I'm cancelling. He got really mad about it. Something about it being luxurious. LUXURY is not having a dremel tool vibrating on the nerve endings in your mouth. It just isn't. I said, well, I never just make appointments concerning you without your consent. I know the dentist is going to say, oh that enamel is weak, oh there's a cavity, you need fillings....and I'll say, yeah, I know. I'm planning on having them yanked once they bother me because its cheaper in the long run. I've had so many fillings in my life that the last dentist I went to told me the next step is having crowns and since I know exactly what one crown costs...um, no...I'll be needing a new car and not supporting a dentist so he can buy one. My husband argues something or other about the pain of having teeth out (he's never had one out, I, on the other side, have had 8 baby teeth and 4 adult teeth removed all at once so my adult teeth would even fit in my tiny mouth and have had my wisdom teeth removed) but as far as I know, the pain of the dremel tool bothers me wayyyy more than the pain of having teeth removed. I don't know why. My pain killers never did anything except make me vomit so I never took them after that. I equate having teeth pulled pain with the pain of menstruation. Yep. Mine is that bad.
I even hate making appointments to get my hair done. I used to have this lady who did my hair for 27 years or so...yep, the whole of my growing up. She is like family. But, I moved away, so I don't have her anymore and have found I really don't like strangers near me or touching me or fussing over me. So I have been cutting my own hair, bleaching my own hair and what not because 1. its cheaper and 2. no appointments and 3. no strangers.
My husband also gets really mad that I refuse to see a gynecologist. I'm not pregnant. If I'm going to die of cancer, I'd rather not know beforehand. And the last gyno I went to I told off and just quit taking the birth control pills because I told him that yearly exam was just a money making scheme because I wasn't sexually active at the time and I was just there to see if it would make my periods liveable but I guessed I'd survived without them and could continue to survive without them if it meant I had to drag my ass into the gyno every year. I also told the same gyno that I wanted a hysterectomy (I had health insurance once upon a time) and he refused based on some antiquated notion that a 22 year old has no idea what she wants for her own body. Umm...yeah...MAKE IT STOP!!!! I don't want babies...DO YOU HEAR ME? No, of course, not. By all means, you must want to procreate, you' re female. NO. But someday? NO. I. DON'T. WANT. KIDS. EVER.
I found out that giving blood made my periods more liveable...but only because I was usually so close to anemic that I just wouldn't bleed very much at all. Which was a great side effect, as far as I was concerned and kept trying to give blood for a long time. Sometimes I was refused because of the anemia, sometimes not. Why was I anemic? Who knows. That was ten or so years ago so it must not have been anything serious. But I do know that iron supplements made me vomit so I gave up trying to fix it.
My husband says he just wants me to be happy. Am I?
I don't know. I haven't really drawn or painted much since we moved up here into all the people. It's probably been a year since I've even doodled, maybe more. I have no sex drive and that bothers me only because it bothers him. I don't care to be around people and I don't like to do yard work when other people are outside. I don't like to walk the dog because I'm surrounded by strangers.
Do I feel particularly unhappy? No.
I miss home and cornfields and acres of trees. This is not home. We have been here since 2009 and this is not home. If I could transport this house anywhere in the middle of somewhere green where the people are outnumbered by farm animals, I would. That would be more like home. I don't have the power to do that and I don't have the money to move. So I guess maybe I feel resigned.
Perhaps I am mentally ill and have social phobia. Perhaps I am simply anti social. Perhaps I am depressed. Perhaps many things. I sure don't know.
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