Anyone else get skeezed out about making appointments?
I hate making appointments. I do not enjoy them.
Last time I was to a doctor: three years ago for a sinus infection. Last time before that: 6 years for the same thing. I believe that unless I need to go see a doctor, the evil white suited man or woman can just fuck the hell off. And I rarely need to see a doctor. And they always ask these idiotic questions (whether or not it has anything to do with what is wrong...and I don't know the last time a sinus infection was affected by the date of my last menstruation). How the hell should I know the date of my last menstruation. Do YOU? No. It's not like I get all crap happy about it and mark the day down on the calendar. Because I don't. I'd rather NOT menstruate ever again, thanks. It's worthless. I don't want to make babies and I have no need to feel like shit one week out of every month. Plus, its super irregular and who knows when and for how long it will strike. When were you to a doctor last? (And they want you to list the dates.) I always write "I don't know." Which is the answer I write on the blank next to the former question as well. Sometimes, I write things like "the last time I was in need of a doctor, 6 years ago, give or take a few years." Do you have insurance? "Of course not" is usually the answer I list.
My husband went to the dentist today to potentially have a tooth pulled. It turned out not to be an infected wisdom tooth which is good news. But, then he had the GALL to include me in an appointment to have my teeth cleaned. No, thanks, I told him, I'm cancelling. He got really mad about it. Something about it being luxurious. LUXURY is not having a dremel tool vibrating on the nerve endings in your mouth. It just isn't. I said, well, I never just make appointments concerning you without your consent. I know the dentist is going to say, oh that enamel is weak, oh there's a cavity, you need fillings....and I'll say, yeah, I know. I'm planning on having them yanked once they bother me because its cheaper in the long run. I've had so many fillings in my life that the last dentist I went to told me the next step is having crowns and since I know exactly what one crown costs...um, no...I'll be needing a new car and not supporting a dentist so he can buy one. My husband argues something or other about the pain of having teeth out (he's never had one out, I, on the other side, have had 8 baby teeth and 4 adult teeth removed all at once so my adult teeth would even fit in my tiny mouth and have had my wisdom teeth removed) but as far as I know, the pain of the dremel tool bothers me wayyyy more than the pain of having teeth removed. I don't know why. My pain killers never did anything except make me vomit so I never took them after that. I equate having teeth pulled pain with the pain of menstruation. Yep. Mine is that bad.
I even hate making appointments to get my hair done. I used to have this lady who did my hair for 27 years or so...yep, the whole of my growing up. She is like family. But, I moved away, so I don't have her anymore and have found I really don't like strangers near me or touching me or fussing over me. So I have been cutting my own hair, bleaching my own hair and what not because 1. its cheaper and 2. no appointments and 3. no strangers.
My husband also gets really mad that I refuse to see a gynecologist. I'm not pregnant. If I'm going to die of cancer, I'd rather not know beforehand. And the last gyno I went to I told off and just quit taking the birth control pills because I told him that yearly exam was just a money making scheme because I wasn't sexually active at the time and I was just there to see if it would make my periods liveable but I guessed I'd survived without them and could continue to survive without them if it meant I had to drag my ass into the gyno every year. I also told the same gyno that I wanted a hysterectomy (I had health insurance once upon a time) and he refused based on some antiquated notion that a 22 year old has no idea what she wants for her own body. Umm...yeah...MAKE IT STOP!!!! I don't want babies...DO YOU HEAR ME? No, of course, not. By all means, you must want to procreate, you' re female. NO. But someday? NO. I. DON'T. WANT. KIDS. EVER.
I found out that giving blood made my periods more liveable...but only because I was usually so close to anemic that I just wouldn't bleed very much at all. Which was a great side effect, as far as I was concerned and kept trying to give blood for a long time. Sometimes I was refused because of the anemia, sometimes not. Why was I anemic? Who knows. That was ten or so years ago so it must not have been anything serious. But I do know that iron supplements made me vomit so I gave up trying to fix it.
My husband says he just wants me to be happy. Am I?
I don't know. I haven't really drawn or painted much since we moved up here into all the people. It's probably been a year since I've even doodled, maybe more. I have no sex drive and that bothers me only because it bothers him. I don't care to be around people and I don't like to do yard work when other people are outside. I don't like to walk the dog because I'm surrounded by strangers.
Do I feel particularly unhappy? No.
I miss home and cornfields and acres of trees. This is not home. We have been here since 2009 and this is not home. If I could transport this house anywhere in the middle of somewhere green where the people are outnumbered by farm animals, I would. That would be more like home. I don't have the power to do that and I don't have the money to move. So I guess maybe I feel resigned.
Perhaps I am mentally ill and have social phobia. Perhaps I am simply anti social. Perhaps I am depressed. Perhaps many things. I sure don't know.
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