I fought the Law

Tomorrow is my first day back at the Howell store in over a year. Should be interesting considering I only know three people who work there now.  Everyone else quit or relocated due to an asshole manager.  But, since it was a beneficial situation for all parties concerned, I got my way.  It's good to pick battles based on knowledge of the probable outcome. I'm all for it.  I get to keep my hours up around 40 per week and NOT use well-earned vacation hours to pay my bills.  The Spurminator (my store manager) gets to cut 10 hours per week from his payroll.  And Birdman (the asshole manager) gets an already well trained and seasoned veteran to help run his store since all his people walked out.

I've been singing this little ditty all week..."I fought the Nazis and I won! I fought the Nazis and I won!" To the tune of  "I Fought the Law"

The family of the man that died next door rented a huge dumpster to clean out anything that didn't sell at the estate sale or that no one could possibly want.  This is cool by me. Under the cover of darkness I got rid of a broken chair, a pallet, and a falling apart table that have all been sitting outside from varying periods of one to three years.  Yes, yes, illegal dumping and all that rot.

If  Redford doesn't want people illegally dumping couches and mattresses in alleys and along freeways, maybe the cost of bulk pickup should be less than $100 for one item and $50 after that. Ridiculous. So we usually leave things in our backyard until one of us breaks out the sawzall and chops them up into pieces to go with the normal trash pickup.  We did that to a sleeper sofa. That was a bitch. 

Tonight was the fourth of July. Did you know? Me either.  Apparently Redford does fireworks the first week of June instead because they think people won't attend on July 4 due to larger fireworks shows in the area.  And people think to attend fireworks in June?  I certainly had no idea until Emma started going bonkers from hearing all the explosions.  Why waste all that money if that's the case? Save it for fixing the roads or plowing in the winter.

Last weekend was also Memorial Day. Bet you didn't know that, either.  Beech Daly from Six Mile to Five Mile was cordoned off by police so Redford could have a Memorial Day parade a week after the actual Memorial Day. Why? Same reason. They are afraid no one would attend being out of town or attending other parades.  Ridiculous. Also, makes driving from my house to anywhere pretty much out of the question. They were even blocking off side streets in some areas.

I am going refrigerator shopping on Monday!!!! (Yes, exclamation points. I have no idea how long its even been since I bought something brand new.)  I was planning on finding a decent used fridge but, my Auntie Max stepped in and sent us a check. It's enough to cover a basic fridge.  And she stipulated that we buy a new one, so we shall! Then we shall scrap old gigantaur that freezes the veggies but won't make ice. Damn thing.

Corporate Pigs

The corporate Nazis that rose to power by being, well, Nazis apparently told Wall Street that TSC was going to make "X" numbers vs. operating costs and, guess what, greatly over estimated "X".  So full time employees are all being dropped down to minimum hours (meaning 30 hours per week)  and are being told to use paid sick and vacation leave to cover the shortfall in their paycheck for a month.  I earned every vacation hour by dealing with corporate and customer bullshit over the past five years...and I greatly resent any corporate entity telling me that either I use those hours to cover the $400 gap in my income over the next month, or deal with my checks being $200 short for two pay periods.

Why can't the CEO, Regional Managers, and District Managers, and Managers nationwide cover the shortfall?  I don't even know what any of them earn. I'm sure it equates to a hell of a lot more than $9 an hour.  I happen to know the bonus for Store Managers making the numbers for their stores is enough to buy a brand  new Ford Focus outright.  Must be nice.  Wonder what sorts of bonuses District Managers earn? Or Regional Managers?  Buy a house outright?

Yes, let's just shit on the people who are barely making ends meet once again.  Full time team members who are the backbone of the stores...oh, and precious part timers who fill all the gaps in the schedule and whose hours are never guaranteed.  I wonder if any of them will even get to work this month.

So, while complaining to a pal at a store where I used to work, I asked if she's like to "borrow" me one day a week just so I don't have to use my vacation hours. She put it to her manager.  He's agreeable, but no one knows if this is even possible.  (There are only 9 people on their payroll because all their part timers quit again...and its a six million dollar a year store--compared to my current store which is a three million dollar a year store.)  We are now different districts, and the one day of work would have to come out of Howell's budget.  

Being known as a competent and hard worker may come in handy.

We shall see.

Children:The Untold Story

I hate children.

Dogs behave better than children.

Dogs value your opinion, children do not.

This leads me to believe that dogs are higher up on the evolutionary chain than children.

Perhaps if children were crate trained as most dogs are, they would rate higher on the evolutionary chain.

                                             What so-called "normal" people see.

                                                           I see Cthulhu.

Children love to scream, wail, and annoy.  Their lungs can rival an opera singers for pitch, range and octave. This is why the Victorians always stated that children should be seen but not heard. It's nothing a little duct tape and ingenuity wouldn't be able to mend.  But, for some reason, it isn't socially acceptable to tow children around with their mouths taped shut.

                                     Leashes, however, are becoming more acceptable.

I also think childhood obesity could be solved quite simply by encouraging a child's natural desire to chase and fetch.  I mean, why wouldn't you want your child trying to capture squirrels in the backyard?  The squirrel is going to escape 98 percent of the time...the child is going to learn some new tactics..and once in a while the child scores a meal.

                                              More nutritious than a Happy Meal.

Children could also be utilized as guard dogs, because, like dogs, they have superior hearing and like to bite.

                            Never get down on their level, its a mistake that could be fatal.

Cute Animal Zoo

I want to start a zoo. A private zoo.  My friend Ruth is helping.  She already has a tribe of rabbits, some horses, a dog, a cat, a hedgehog, chickens, and the newest addition, a baby woodchuck (which she is trying to domesticate because it is soooo stinking cute),  I have a bunny, two dogs, two cats and several fish.

                                                   There are things I want to add to the zoo.

                                            Baby skunks. One of my favorites from childhood.

                                           Lynx cubs. Can't go wrong with more kitties.

                                         A hippo, of course, and a giant tortoise.

                                             Anteaters. They are so weird and I love them.

                                        Also, a baby triceratops....squeee! 

                                         Rounding out the list, an elephant.

List is subject to change without notice, species will be added based on interest.

Resident Weirdness

Odd week.

I was asked if Tractor Supply company sold stamps.

The bleach blond mullet man wearing the watermelon pink lipstick and requesting kitten milk replacer for his baby raccoon came back and bought dog food. By the way, his fingernails were au naturel.

I found a plastic fork on the rim of the ladies' room trash can.

Jason nearly got run over in the parking lot while he was loading a compressor into an SUV that an old man in a giant truck rear-ended.

Jon's boss quit. Jon was just promoted to crew lead, and now his new boss wants to promote him to hourly manager. And he doesn't really want to be promoted; not that I blame him. It's all bullshit.

I came back from lunch and got yelled at by a customer for something that had absolutely nothing to do with me. All I did was try to fix the problem.

Jon was asked by his district manager "What is your ironing situation?"  The stupid manager shirts are the wrinkliest thing known to man and we don't own an iron.

Jon asked to borrow an iron from his mom and Jon's dad trolled garage sales and bought 2 irons.  Jon once asked for a fish tank and received at least three. I mean the man is good-hearted but you have to tell him to STOP!

The reciever at work got a better job. I learned apparently lots of people want her position. I have no idea why. Soooo much responsibility, not enough pay and lots of people angry at you if nothing goes well, its not like being a manager and she's the entire shipping department.  It really should be a two person job. Reciever and assistant to the reciever.

Un-Holidays and Consumerism

Marketing gurus in America perform a neat trick that cleverly links "holidays" with spending hard-earned cash on meaningless crap.  If you are someone (like me) who doesn't buy into the bullshit, then you are a heretic. I can live with that. 

I'm heretical on several levels.

The first and foremost being religion.  I am not a devout follower of any religion.  I see no reason to believe in a higher power other than Mother Nature.  She can wipe my sorry little ass off the planet with one bat of her eyelash if she chooses, and she doesn't require oddities such as human sacrifice, mass, confession, Sundays spent staring at a wall while a man (or woman) drones on about hellfire and damnation, prayer, meditation, or really anything at all. If she wants me to die, then I die. There is absolutely no recourse. I'm fine with that. That's life.   

 I am always startled when religious and non-religious people all rush out on Black Friday for an orgy of spending.  I don't know if this is supposed to appease Jesus, Mother Nature, Buddha, President Obama or some other entity; but the marketing geniuses have cleverly worked guilt into the equation.  You are a bad son/daughter/sister/brother/mother/father if you don't buy many many gifts for the people in your life.  Christmas is the season for giving (with your wallet mainly) and please make it something expensive! 

Then there is Zombie Jesus Day (Easter for the lay-person); a day when kids all over America hunt boiled eggs, open plastic candy-filled eggs, and search a basket for the all mighty toy!  Let's not tell them that Easter is actually an ancient celebration of rebirth and renewal that Christians have twisted into their religion for their own use. But I really fail to see what bunnies, chickens, and zombie Jesus have to do with candy and toys.

There are non-religious examples as well. Mother's Day and Father's Day.  I don't celebrate either day.  Does this mean I don't love my mother and father? No. I love them very much. I even appreciate them.  It just means I don't feel guilty about not buying presents.  I called my mom yesterday and wished her a happy day.  Not because it mattered a damn bit to me (as most socially accepted things do not) but it mattered to HER.  I couldn't talk long because I had a migraine and I was certain I was about to vomit from the pain, but once I told her that, she chatted away and didn't expect me to say much. And didn't object when I said I had to get off the phone because I was going to be sick.  She was just as happy as if I'd bought her flowers or a present.  A gift of time is more important than a gift of money, at least to me.  The marketers would have you believe otherwise. Yes, BRIBE your way into your mother's heart.

Valentine's Day is an abomination. Yep, I think most Americans do wait until that one day in February to tell their wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend that they love them. And they don't say it with gestures and words, they say it with money.  "Don't you see I love you? I spent $50 on roses, and we're going to dinner somewhere expensive!"  Is it any wonder half of all marriages end in divorce?  Roses and expensive dinners aren't going to open up any sort of communication. And, since Jon and I often get our wires crossed, communication is the key.

I'm proud to be a heretic.

My Feelings of Anti-Socialness Continue

This week I have learned I really, really dislike auctions/estate sales and the people who attend the sales.  This is the second day of the sale at the house next door. Lots lighter on the people than the first day, of course; and the people are much less annoying.

A few tips on neighbor-house etiquette for those attending these sales:

1. Do NOT block driveways.  This makes people who need to leave to go to work, attend a doctor's appointment, or come home from shopping very, very irritable.  Also, the old lady across the street has a hard time walking; so if you block her driveway, I might just puncture a few of your tires just so you are also greatly inconvenienced. 

2. Do NOT park directly across from said driveway when it is already surrounded by closely parked cars. Just HOW is one to dodge two cars on either side of a driveway and the one immediately behind when there is nowhere else to go?  It was so bad at one point I wouldn't even have been able to drive on my lawn to get to the street.  I imagine if I had run outside with my sledgehammer and started denting the offending cars I would have gotten some people to park elsewhere.

3.  Don't stare in through my windows while you are snooping next door.  You will catch me hanging up laundry in my other living room on the clothesline I installed there because we have decided not to fix the dryer.  You will catch us walking around possibly naked because the clothes we need may be hanging from that clothesline. This will be more than you bargained for.  This is MY house. If I want to be naked inside it, I will be.  Anything you might not want to see is all your fault for looking into people's windows.

4. Don't give the residents attitude when asked to move the 20 foot Buick you used to block two thirds of their driveway.  No one believes that you drove here in that boat and didn't realize it doesn't fit in a space that will only contain a compact car.  We might just decide to whip out a penis and piss through those windows that are cracked for ventilation.

5.  If you are a yuppie douche bag, leave the blue tooth, the natty khaki pants and all your douche-baggler attire behind. No one here is impressed by your wardrobe. In fact, most of us are quite annoyed with your "goon suit."  Ties aren't even sturdy enough for you to hang yourself from, or I'd suggest you do so if you can't at least lose the blue tooth.

 And my favorite reason not to annoy the residents: I saw a car fire on the freeway three nights ago.  It was the most awesome thing I've seen in a long time.  The whole front end of this shit box was entirely engulfed against the night.  The fire department and the cops had just decided to let it burn because it was beyond stopping.  It was a beautiful thing.