Chickens and merchandising

Place: New Hudson, MI
Setting: Tractor Supply Company
Time of day: 12:30 pm to 8:00 pm

The store currently has an infestation of poultry various types of chickens and one type of ducks.  People walk in the front door and crinkle up their noses and I often hear "What's that weird smell?" escape their lip flaps.  Then, the "Awww....soooooo...cuuuuutteeeee" starts and they never, for some reason, equate that gross, funky smell with the poultry. 

People are constantly taken aback when I tell them I think the poultry are "ucky."  I enjoy doing this, and find myself doing it on purpose more and more often the longer the infestation lasts.  I rather like the startled expressions the statement evokes and am waiting for the day when one of the customers asks me why.  They never do.  It's weird.  And when that person does ask, I shall ask them to clean out the chicken bedding and water the little buggers.  There are so many birds right now because the hatchery apparently amped up the order for Easter that the little buggers reek and are overcrowded and the bedding needs constant care.

I also enjoy watching Jason talk about the chickens. I have heard him, on more than one occasion, say the following:  "Oh, they are bloodthirsty little devils.  Yeah, I know they've conned you into thinking they are cute little fuzzballs and then, they'll all gang up and eat one of their brethren.  Yep, they are cannibals.  Sometimes, all we find are feathers and bones because they've got the blood lust.  You see, chickens lack emotion because their brains are tiny.  So it doesn't bother them to just chow down on one of their own."  I always cackle because the people so clearly don't believe him and its true.  Jason mostly just thinks chickens taste good and is as immune to the cute as I am.

And then, there are the dumb questions asked with such enthusiasm that sometimes I wonder if that person realizes how idiotic they sound.  I am having more and more trouble holding my tongue.  And the people who ask these questions never have a sense of humor about the chickens.  So there are two answers. The real answer and what I am dying to say.

1. "What do you do with the chickens once the hatchery stops sending them?" 
 Real answer:  we sell them until they are gone just like any other item in our inventory.
The answer in my brain:  Pop them in the deep fryer, bones and all. It's quite tasty once you get past all the bone crunching and the chewy bit of feet. Mmmmmm McNuggets.

2.  "So, what do people do with the chickens once they buy them?"
Real answer: raise them, either for meat or eggs.
My answer:  why, teach them to play the piano, of course. We have one guy who has his own chicken orchestra and he travels the country charging admission. He's quite a hit, actually.  He calls himself Colonel Sanders.

3.   "Do chickens make good pets?"
Real answer: No.
My answer: Sure, you just turn them loose in your house, teach them not to poo in your bed or lay eggs in the sofa and they're excellent pets.  Hours of enjoyment trying to get them to come to their names when called and hovering over the toilet once you've caught salmonella from them.

4.  "Will they fly away?"
Real answer: No. They flutter sideways kind of and sort of fly, but not really. Chickens are not aerodynamic at all.
My answer:  Sure.  They migrate with the seasons like the lovely hummingbird.  That's why everyone should have a chicken feeder in their backyard for the swarms of migrating chickens you see every spring. 

5.  "What do ducks do?"
Real answer: you eat them and they lay eggs. Also, they like to swim.
My answer: Oh, you raise them, then teach them to drive.  Then, once they've been properly educated they get a  job and move out of the house to raise their own families.

Come on, people. Wise up.  The chick and duck sales are only a sneaky marketing technique to get your butts into the store so that you can spend money. No joke.  The company makes more money on the accessories to feed the tiny little poultry and fence them in than on most other things they sell.  And customers are all quite eager to part with money.

  Example:
Chuck sees a small bag of chicken feed for $5.  He thinks: hmmm... the birds are tiny, they won't eat much, buy the small bag.  The bag with twice as much food is on sale right now for $6 which is a better deal but he doesn't see it because he don't think the birds will eat that much. And, Chuck believes that by buying the small bag that he will save a dollar.

Chickens eat A LOT.  In fact, its all they do. Eat and poo. The bag that weighs 50 pounds is $15 which sounds like a lot until Chuck realizes he just paid $5 for 5 pounds of food and it won't even last a week.  See what I mean? The company makes it really easy to part customers from their money.

Tractor Supply Company set record sales nationwide last year. It is one of the only growing retailers in the nation.  Why? Because they have sneaky tactics.  People think "hey, its a little hillbilly store, cool, they know my name in here, they recognize me, they are fairly knowledgeable about their products. They know about animals. They have good dog food and lots of pet supplies.  THEY AREN'T WAL MART!!!!!!!"

Oh, yes, it is exactly like Wal Mart.  TSC has over 1,0000 stores AND GROWING. It is a southern company controlled from Nashville, TN.  Wal Mart is based somewhere in the south, like Alabama.  Most of the products, like Wal Mart, and, everywhere else, for that matter, are made somewhere like China or Taiwan or Indonesia with a few exceptions.  Associates are hired in at minimum wage. There is no commission.  There is no job security.  And, since three people can usually comfortably run the store, the number of people employed at one location isn't that many.  Usually around 15 people.  And, most of them will be part-time employees who may work two days a week for five hours a day.

Bolts are sold by the pound and not by the piece, which is brilliant since lots of hardware business can be garnered from Lowe's and Home Depot WITHOUT THOSE COMPANIES EVEN REALIZING they are being undersold! Men love bolts by the pound...its a sneaky way to gain a new customer.  What the company won't earn off of selling bolts, it will earn by selling that same person an over priced tee shirt, over priced soda, over priced candy, ect.  And the person will be ELATED that so much money was saved on bolts that they won't realize all the other things they bought were too expensive. All corporations do this.

Lots to think about the next time you are in a store that is selling adorable baby animals.

Mixed Nuts

This week customers have
 
1. Argued over whether or not the New Hudson location sells goat's milk soap. Adamantly, confidently and quite crankily.  This man was seriously trying to pick a fight over soap. A presumably straight, bearded, man.  It was difficult not to laugh in front of him over the absurdity of the situation and I had to call in a manager. He wouldn't take my word for it...then he argued with HER.

2.  Lost a purse and somehow assumed I had seen anything.  Customer called, said she wondered if anyone had found a purse in a cart, I said no, but that I would look. I found nothing. Took her information, name, phone  number, posted a brief note on the register to call her if one is found...she showed up at the store arguing with me over whether or not I found it, what we would do with it if it were found (put it in the office safe, of course), if I had seen her with it,  yes, I did. She had like 6 different checkbooks in there and was trying to figure out which account she wanted to pay her bill with...seemed weird, which is why I even remember her at all.  She left kind of huffy.  Called back, got the Poodle, asked if we had cameras and if they'd show anything...nope, sadly we don't qualify for cameras (imagine!)  so we can all pick our asses and no one will ever see...


3.  Asked me a million questions about stoves, while I was running the cash register, then when I paged someone on the floor to help them, didn't want to talk about stoves at all.


4.  Have jumped out from behind the gun safes at others and gotten thrown out of the store.

5.  Yelled at me that the Black Oil Sunflower seeds are too pricy (even though the Spurminator has them on some sort of perma-sale of $2 off the price the other stores are offering) and that he won't be buying any more and that the birds will have to just learn to go hungry!!!! Trying to guilt-trip me into thinking wild birds can't fend for themselves is just about the most idiotic thing I have ever heard a customer say.

6.  Walked past me while looking for a man to "assist" him then came hollering that he can't find any help.  Then, when I found him the correct oil filter and gas shut-off for his fuel line, kept saying how Sears charged him 5 dollars more for the air filter I had in stock...in disbelief. Don't buy a Craftsman, people. They don't stock the parts, and there's the trick.  They ORDER them for you at a cost.

7.  Have thrown random feed bags into aisle because (and I quote) "I couldn't put them in the cart"....?????????  How does that help?   Then, when I was nice and got a cart, loaded the feed, she spent 15-20 minutes in line arguing over the prices of this and that and oh, could someone load the stall mats she'd previously paid for but not picked up, and oh, how about 3 bags of pine shavings, too....and when I'd wiped my hands free of her because I can't load stall mats by myself, poor Dale had to stuff them into some car with all that feed and the shavings.

8.  Been overly annoyed when I couldn't break a hundred dollar bill without handing them a ka-billion fives.  Really people. Really.  I told you all I had was fives.  Maybe you should take that to heart.  Sometimes, we just open a register and most of those times, all there are are FIVES!  So, maybe, when you purchase an item that totals out to $2.98, you should look for one dollar bills in your wallet, or quarters, or something.

9.  Haven't understood the difference between Scratch Grain and actual chicken feed.  I think I had to explain that to six different people this week. It is NOT food...its busy-work for chickens!!!  You will just have malnourished birds unless you let them free-range or feed them real food.

 
10.  Have tried to feed straw instead of hay to a goat because we sell straw for cheaper than we sell the hay...then wondered why the goat "didn't seem to like it."  Some people just shouldn't have animals.


    And these are the ones I REMEMBER!  I'm sure there were more.  At least  I was moderately entertained by most of these annoyances.  On another note, I got a raise. I make 4 cents shy of $9 an hour. The Spurminator tried to make this sound like big money by calling it a 3% raise.  Oh and I'm not enough of a "salesperson".  Fuck that. I don't want to be.  I'll help you, I'll be nicer than I have a right to be, considering what's going through my head, but I am not, and have never professed to be a sales person. I don't like playing "Let's Make  a Deal." Fuck all you people.  Why should you get a better deal than the next person simply because you're a cheapskate/slimeball?  I am not a corporate Nazi, I don't want to lose my  job because I know I won't find a better one, but I WILL NEVER buy into the CORPORATE ZOMBIE MINDSET they are foisting on us all.