So, once again, Jon says I am acting crazy. Go figure. He even listed some of my top ten stressors to improve my mood, or piss me off further, who knows?
So here it is, my top ten list:
1. I hate where I live.
Oh, the house is just fine, I don't care that the plumbing is shady, that my dryer quit working and that I've decided that since we are poor that I'll say the hell with the dryer and go for indoor and outdoor clotheslines. But I hate where I live. I hate that my neighbors are 10-20 feet from my house. I hate that its a suburb of Detroit. I hate that no one on the block even knows my name because I sure as hell don't know their names or even know anything less than obvious about them because NO ONE FUCKING CARES here.
2. I hate that I am trapped. I don't have the money to move again. I can't even ever seem to save up more than a few hundred dollars, and, once I do, something breaks that needs serious and immediate repair. Our house will never sell because people are afraid to live in Redford because it "is rough" and because we've never been able to fix anything that's been wrong with it since we've moved in except for the porch, which really was the least of its problems. Also, its value has dropped at least 10,000 dollars since we signed the mortgage.
3. It's too loud and bright here. The sirens on the freeway never stop, the sound of traffic is endless, the neighbors' barking dogs, the phones ringing in the neighbors' houses, the sound of horrible screaming children, the constant annoyance of Jehovah's Witnesses...it never stops. Ever. It's enough to make me want to take an assault rifle to the highest point in town and just start popping people just so there will be less of them. The sky is never actually dark. I wake up at 5 am because its too fucking bright in our bedroom and can't go back to sleep. The sky is orange and there are no stars.
4. I can't take walks. I want to take walks, real ones, up hills, down hills, across streams, in the mud, in the sun, in the rain. I don't want to see a person I don't know, a car I don't recognize, or walk by houses whose occupants I've never met. So, of course, I don't take walks. Which makes me sad and makes stress.
5. Jon wants me to feel guilty. He does. He lays it on pretty thick when he says I'll just sit still and drink a pint of vodka. Maybe I will. So what? I don't drink daily, or even every week. So when I want to drink I might just down a whole pint myself. My body actually processes alcohol pretty efficiently. I've been hungover a total of four times in my life. And only once severely. I've downed more pints of vodka than that. My whole family can hold their alcohol. And, since I have no car since he took mine, and his won't start, why did he bring this up anyway? I don't HAVE any vodka.
6. I don't go anywhere. There is simply, nowhere to go. I don't want to go shopping, I can't afford anything, and I don't think buying a bunch of shit is going to make my life any better. The parks all suck because they aren't parks in any stretch of the imagination. They are picnic tables, softball fields and filled with boring self-important people who run because they might gain an ounce, or oh, no, they have screaming horrible children and I can't relax there. If I feel like it I might visit a friend but I don't make a habit of popping over to someone's house just because I'm bored, plus this would get expensive in gas money. All the ones I want to see live more than ten minutes from me.
7. My job sucks. Not that most people's don't. I hate the Nazi's and lately have been letting my duties slide because I don't give a fuck. Why should I care to enrich some CEO's pocket's? I don't make shit, I'm just a grunt whose sweat these people suck off of to make millions. Fuck them. Why do none of the boys get stuck on register duty, but I've been there five years and know more than any of them and I am still pulling 8 hour register shifts? Gee, because its a sexist corporation.
8. Facebook. It started as a way for me to keep track of my family but now, I want to barf every time I read some sickening sweet status about how so and so's baby is special because its a god damn baby. No, its not special. It's a baby. Sometimes I think there should be an option to block anyone mentioning "baby" and "precious" in the same sentence. I used to miss my brother. Now, I think I can do without seeing him because I don't want to be in the same room with his wife and their new spawn. I don't get all warm and fuzzy about being an aunt. Unless they can potty train it before it can walk by saying "Out, pee?" and the kid responds by crawling toward the front door, I am not even impressed. It's a kid. An expendable cog in the wheel of humankind.
9. My parents. I love them but I know they think I've made all the wrong choices, including moving here, and marrying Jon. I have known they were right about me moving here for a long, long time. But I guess its my own life to ruin as I see fit. My dad isn't really fond of Jon, at least not that I can see. He's not outwardly hostile, he just doesn't really like him. The hell of it is, I even understand why and am not angry that they feel that way...and maybe I should be a little angry.
10. Jon. How come he gets to go berserk and crazy and I try to bring him out of it, but when I do, its the end of the world and he leaves me to my own devices? Who wouldn't be stressed?
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