THOSE PEOPLE

    People Are Crazy.
   And its my fault for being too nice to them.  A lost-looking old fellow (but too young for dementia) was circling the registers so of course, I opened my mouth and asked if he needed help finding anything (I was motivated less by niceness and more motivated by the fact that circling people make me nervous...they're just like carrion birds getting ready to eat a weak, helpless animal.)

    This is the strange conversation that followed.

     Crazy Fucker:  "No. But will you give me a piggy back ride?"

     Me: "Um...No...." Did I hear that right? I am deaf, am I really THAT deaf?  "I don't think I'm strong enough for that sort of thing."

     Crazy Fucker:  "Well, you could push me around in a shopping cart, couldn't you?"

     Oh, hell, I had heard that correctly. "Nope. I'm chained to the register, they don't let me wander around much."  What is wrong with this guy? I'm made more nervous all the time by his circling and wondering whether I should involve management. He's not threatening, exactly, but he's not being ha-ha-I'm-a-smartass-funny either, and he doesn't make eye contact or appear to really be speaking with me, more like he's talking to the air three feet away from my left shoulder.

   I sighed in relief when nothing further was said and he wandered toward the back of the store. I'm even more relieved when I'm told its time for my lunch.  Good, maybe the freak will exit the store within the next half an hour.  I warned Girl A not to talk to him excessively (not at all would be better advice) but mostly you have no choice.  I made a point to warn the manager. Then I tried not to think about him.

      He had exited the store by the time I reappeared but not before Spurr Girl, whom I had failed to warn by oversight, had had a run-in with him in which he seemed to put lemon drops beneath his shirt and then stood there and stared her down.  He never laughed or joked around, she said. How bizarre. 

    Perhaps these people should have some sort of visible aura surrounding them, some putrid color like puce, that everyone could see so that we will know, oh, that's a Crazy Fucker without approaching too closely or attempting to converse with them as though they are, in fact, normal human beings and and then being horribly mistaken.

   For the uninitiated (meaning those who have never worked with the public); here's a list of  "Those People"
      1. Crazy Fuckers
      2.  Rude, glued to cell phone people
      3.  The people with the HORRIBLE CHILDREN (who have no idea or don't care their children are horrible hurricanes)
      4.   The people who let their dogs pee on the pallets and don't see the turd their dog just deposited in the middle of the aisle.
       5.  Robotic people, who are people on their Bluetooths that I sometimes classify as Crazy Fuckers
       6. The people who want to throw away a dirty diaper in the trash by your cash register (Really? Really?  You put that there and I'll figure out which car is yours then throw it inside.)
       7.  The people that want to load a Pedal Boat into an S-10 in a pouring rain and refuse to get out, help, or come out from under their umbrella while us poor "slaves" get drenched to the skin. Yes, my shoes were squeaking with wet.  An S-10 is not really large enough, morons, get something larger.
     8.  The Ass Pirate who owns a Super Duty F 350 and was at the store shopping TODAY and didn't want any of the fence posts loaded into his truck, and instead required a delivery....WTF????? And we humor this guy? Why?  He's not worth it.
       9.   The CAT LADY. Yes, kind of exactly like on the Simpsons. I was once scolded that TSC was out of WHISKAS and that there are "Cat people around these parts, not just dog people!"  Also, she smells just like cat pee. Ugh.
      10.  The Self-Important. (Sorry, you are not entitled to anything just because you are having a bad day, or because you have children, or because you own a company, farm, or a hundred indentured servants, you just aren't, so please stop behaving as though the store workers are your own personal shoppers, get off your ass and walk through the store instead of strolling to the register demanding you be brought whatever it is you desire. Get over yourself. Better yet, try that shit at Wal Mart!)