Picture this, quirky, usually fairly rational people in a room, you've known three of them most of your life, and one for about five years. Enter a baby, four months old, drooling, cranky, stubborn and refusing to sleep because there are too many people to stare at. See the usually rational people suddenly not be able to carry on an adult conversation without suddenly lapsing into "ah, poor thing!" As if there were something wrong with the perfectly healthy baby other than she is sleepy. It makes for heaps of weird.
This happened to me when I went to visit my parents, who are, first time grandparents because I would rather perform a self-hysterectomy than have a screaming, pooping. drooling little drunk person in my house at all times. My brother was perhaps the most logical of the bunch. My sister in law has completely lost her mind. Staring at the kid with bug-eyes and talking to it as though she were "singing" along to a death metal song. I use the term "singing" quite loosely. Death metal is all about gutteral devil-sounding voices.
It was as though I'd fallen through the looking glass.
My dog, Emma, was quite terrified of the voice that made the baby laugh. I am quite sure that this baby is going to think people talking happily will be the worst thing ever--or that its mother is secretly professional wrestler John Cena...I don't know how to spell his name and I don't particularly care.
Just when I thought things couldn't become MORE weird, I came back from a bathroom break to discover the conversation had turned to my sister in law wanting to get the baby's ears pierced. What if she doesn't want her ears pierced? At least let her get old enough to decide on her own. My brother was particularly angry looking about the announcement. Apparently this had not been discussed before. Hopefully he can be the voice of reason and stop this nonsense.
I really don't want my niece being included in an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras.
Maybe next time I go visit my parents, we'll be discussing the merits of tramp stamps for toddlers.
Otherwise, it was a nice trip home. The dogs had happy run time and we got to get stuffed on Mom's cooking, and the local Mexican restaurant, which we miss. We didn't get to eat at our favorite pizza shop because it doesn't open on Mondays and it doesn't usually open until 4 pm and we needed to be heading back by then.
Jon started his new job at General Bearing yesterday. It's five miles from our house, which is good since he is driving that big V6...so not only will he be making more money, we will be spending less on gas. He says that his job is easy, could get boring, but that his employers were treating him as an actual person!!!! Never got that at Burger King. I know I much prefer the smell of his clothes. They just smell like grease, oil, and metal lubricant. Much much better than old burgers, stale fries and ass sweat. All in all, he had no real complaints yet. I'm sure that will change but since he is getting lots of overtime and steady hours that should help outweigh whatever the complaints will be.
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Zombie Snacks
Still being sick, which I find very annoying; I have had loads of time to do vast quantities of internet searching. And, since Ruth was at U of M having a baby after being preggo forever...and various relatives have been posting annoying and multiple photos of drooling, snotty or otherwise, ucky babies, I decided to type "baby zombie snacks" into the all-knowing entity we call Google.
Apparently I am not the first person to view babies as something to toss at a zombie to make a clean escape....
There are various bibs, onesies and other apparel that proudly proclaim that your child is a zombie snack, just in case, I suppose, zombies can actually still read. Might come in handy, labeling food for the zombies. There would be less lurching about and then moaning in disappointment. I know if I were a zombie, I'd hate to have run/lurched thirty feet or more to discover that tasty morsel I'd seen from afar was actually a lamp post and not a toddler; so much the easier if it was labeled "Zombie Snack."
Mmmmmmm.....tastes like chicken
Also, it has never been addressed just how much meat a zombie must eat to survive. We all just assume they are ravenous bottomless pits, but at some point, even a zombie must be physically unable to gulp down more brains. So how do we know that babies aren't just merely snacks and not an entire meal? I mean the average baby weighs 7-8 pounds...that's one hell of a lot of protein and some tasty marrow bone to chew.
And, since we're labeling food for zombies, how about a nutritional analysis?
How many calories per brain?
Day Care could become the zombie version of McDonald's. Lurch to the window, pick a likely looking meal, gulp it down and then back to lurching, scratching and moaning in front of the television without even firing up an oven. Now, that's convenience!
Apparently I am not the first person to view babies as something to toss at a zombie to make a clean escape....
There are various bibs, onesies and other apparel that proudly proclaim that your child is a zombie snack, just in case, I suppose, zombies can actually still read. Might come in handy, labeling food for the zombies. There would be less lurching about and then moaning in disappointment. I know if I were a zombie, I'd hate to have run/lurched thirty feet or more to discover that tasty morsel I'd seen from afar was actually a lamp post and not a toddler; so much the easier if it was labeled "Zombie Snack."
Also, it has never been addressed just how much meat a zombie must eat to survive. We all just assume they are ravenous bottomless pits, but at some point, even a zombie must be physically unable to gulp down more brains. So how do we know that babies aren't just merely snacks and not an entire meal? I mean the average baby weighs 7-8 pounds...that's one hell of a lot of protein and some tasty marrow bone to chew.
And, since we're labeling food for zombies, how about a nutritional analysis?
Day Care could become the zombie version of McDonald's. Lurch to the window, pick a likely looking meal, gulp it down and then back to lurching, scratching and moaning in front of the television without even firing up an oven. Now, that's convenience!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Sieg Heil
What a week filled with shit-balloons.
My pal Jason got fired/forced to quit by some Corporate Nazis. I called him to ask what happened, left message, have thus far not gotten any reply. Maybe he's too upset or maybe he's sworn to secrecy. Yes, let's fire ALL the people who work hard and fill the store with incompetence. Seems to be the corporate creed. It's possible that I would be next on that list. Amazing that they haven't figured out how little I care about their corporate goals and the more they force their will upon me, the less I care.
I am now forced to close the store a few nights with a blonde uber bitch whose idea of "work" is standing at the service desk surfing the internet for whatever suits her. She should have been the one in the office on the chopping block. I wonder if she set something in motion. Wouldn't put it past her. Sieg Heil.
Also, my "store bonus" which is the largest percentage over plan I have ever seen at 60%, turned out to be a whopping $71. Bullshit. Who's getting all that money? Certainly not anyone who actually worked hard for it and deserves it. Thanks, once again, for fucking me over you greasy corporate bastards. Get YOUR asses in a store, get paid $8.96 an hour and TRY to pay your bills, assholes. It is so time for a new job. Problem is, I think they ALL are going to be just like this one, or worse. Makes for a nation filled with optimists, doesn't it? I've had 20% over plan bonuses that were larger.
An old friend of mine died and I had to find out about it on Facebook, which is the only reason I found out about it at all since I don't live in that state anymore. I can just see Josh now, tall, lanky, wearing glasses, short brown hair, snickering at some jock, hanging out with his friends, which were predominantly female...we miss you already, old pal. Thirty four is fairly young, but knowing you, I imagine you led a full life. I hope the end wasn't too difficult.
Jon may or may not get his vacation pay based on whether his district manager approves it. What fucking bullshit. We need the money. Especially since my "bonus" seems more like "just throw them a bone and shut them up money." Some corporate rigamarole about how no one was "supposed" to be taking vacation that week. This is, of course, the first Jon has heard about vacation restrictions.
My sister in law was induced to have her baby at 5 pm on Wednesday. By 1 pm on Thursday, no luck. So, she had a C-Section. Katie and Aleisha are both okay. Took its toll on my brother though. I called to talk to him and he was fighting back tears because this was such an awful process. Wish I could have been there for him. If something had gone horribly wrong, I'd have been driving all night to get to him. I'm glad everything is kind of okay. I think a C section is pretty horrible though, for all the doctors treat it as a normal procedure.
My cousin also had her baby. All went well, I guess. Then, her husband was hospitalized for pneumonia.
Ruth is still on baby watch. I hope hers has the sense to pick a better week. The stars are out of alignment or something else I don't fully comprehend. Or nature is out of whack--80 degrees outside and its only March. Strange weather.
My pal Jason got fired/forced to quit by some Corporate Nazis. I called him to ask what happened, left message, have thus far not gotten any reply. Maybe he's too upset or maybe he's sworn to secrecy. Yes, let's fire ALL the people who work hard and fill the store with incompetence. Seems to be the corporate creed. It's possible that I would be next on that list. Amazing that they haven't figured out how little I care about their corporate goals and the more they force their will upon me, the less I care.
I am now forced to close the store a few nights with a blonde uber bitch whose idea of "work" is standing at the service desk surfing the internet for whatever suits her. She should have been the one in the office on the chopping block. I wonder if she set something in motion. Wouldn't put it past her. Sieg Heil.
Also, my "store bonus" which is the largest percentage over plan I have ever seen at 60%, turned out to be a whopping $71. Bullshit. Who's getting all that money? Certainly not anyone who actually worked hard for it and deserves it. Thanks, once again, for fucking me over you greasy corporate bastards. Get YOUR asses in a store, get paid $8.96 an hour and TRY to pay your bills, assholes. It is so time for a new job. Problem is, I think they ALL are going to be just like this one, or worse. Makes for a nation filled with optimists, doesn't it? I've had 20% over plan bonuses that were larger.
An old friend of mine died and I had to find out about it on Facebook, which is the only reason I found out about it at all since I don't live in that state anymore. I can just see Josh now, tall, lanky, wearing glasses, short brown hair, snickering at some jock, hanging out with his friends, which were predominantly female...we miss you already, old pal. Thirty four is fairly young, but knowing you, I imagine you led a full life. I hope the end wasn't too difficult.
Jon may or may not get his vacation pay based on whether his district manager approves it. What fucking bullshit. We need the money. Especially since my "bonus" seems more like "just throw them a bone and shut them up money." Some corporate rigamarole about how no one was "supposed" to be taking vacation that week. This is, of course, the first Jon has heard about vacation restrictions.
My sister in law was induced to have her baby at 5 pm on Wednesday. By 1 pm on Thursday, no luck. So, she had a C-Section. Katie and Aleisha are both okay. Took its toll on my brother though. I called to talk to him and he was fighting back tears because this was such an awful process. Wish I could have been there for him. If something had gone horribly wrong, I'd have been driving all night to get to him. I'm glad everything is kind of okay. I think a C section is pretty horrible though, for all the doctors treat it as a normal procedure.
My cousin also had her baby. All went well, I guess. Then, her husband was hospitalized for pneumonia.
Ruth is still on baby watch. I hope hers has the sense to pick a better week. The stars are out of alignment or something else I don't fully comprehend. Or nature is out of whack--80 degrees outside and its only March. Strange weather.
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